Learning to Love Again
by teacupsandstrawberries
Summary: "Who says I'm going anywhere?" he asked. "The suitcase in your hands says it all," she pointed out. - Jane runs off again, but after he and Teresa have confessed their feelings and shared a night together. She find a letter explaining everything about why he left and decides she has to find him. 100% Jisbon. Starts Angsty, but I promise a Jisbon ending! T for adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

"Jane! Before you run off again, just tell me why. Just give me a reason," she pleaded.

"Who says I'm going anywhere?" he asked.

"The suitcase in your hands says it all," she pointed out, "Why will this not work? What about me isn't enough for you?" she inquired.

"Nothing! That's the thing, Teresa! I'm not good enough for you!" he yelled. He pounded his fist into to already-weak wall, making a fist-sized hole.

"I'm broken. I don't deserve you. We had one night and I will never not feel guilty about it. It was all a mistake. Find someone whole, Lisbon," he said, his voice almost a whisper. His use of her last name stung both on his tongue and her ears.

"You aren't broken. You're bent. And so am I. You think I have had an easy life? We can both learn to love again, Patrick. It might take time, but it's worth it," she begged. She knew she looked desperate, but she didn't care. She would do anything to keep Jane around at this point.

He just gave her a small smile, and shook his head back and forth, slowly.

"I'm afraid I can't, Teresa. Don't come looking for me. You won't be proud of what you see when you find me. Always know that I do love you. You saved me. I will never forget that. To better understand what I mean, go find the letter I wrote you. It's in the top drawer of my desk in the bullpen. It should clear things up. Goodbye, Lisbon," he spoke. He walked over to her, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and picked up his suitcase.

Her body was shaking with her sobs as she watched him exit his attic room for the last time. She slumped to the ground, heaving and crying. As much as she wanted to, she knew there was no point in running after him.

It had been a week since Jane left, and she couldn't bring herself to read the note. Why did he deserve to clear things up? He left her and shouldn't have the chance to justify his actions. She was a one night stand to him. That's all she would ever be. All the crap he told her about saving him was just that. Crap. She shouldn't care what he had to say, so why **did** she care so much? Throwing down her pen onto the massive pile of paperwork, she walked into the bullpen.

It was late, so the desks that were usually occupied by her agents Rigsby, Cho, and Van Pelt were empty. She knew they had been worried about her since Jane left. Van Pelt had been filling the spot on the couch in her office that Jane usually had during lunch break. Cho had made sure she never had to drive to crime scenes by herself, since Jane used to be her car-companion. Rigsby just made sure that anything to remind Lisbon of Jane was gone. He replaced the leather couch in the bullpen with the old red couch from her office. He got rid of all the tea and teacups that previously belonged to Jane. Any paperwork that pertained to Jane was split into thirds between the team, so Lisbon didn't see any of it.

A small smile graced Lisbon's features. She did realize that she was lucky to have such a close-knit team. They were like family to each other. They were the only family most of them had. They were together every day and genuinely cared about each other.

Lisbon padded over to Jane's desk and rattled the drawer where Jane said the letter would be. She found it was locked. Knowing she would never be able to find where Jane hid the key, she decided to wedge it open. In her office, she not only kept a hammer, but a screwdriver. She retrieved that and brought it back to Jane's desk, wedging it between the drawer and the actual desk. Once pried open, she found the letter in a long white envelope. On the envelope, in Jane's beautiful, scrolly handwriting was her name - Teresa.

Cautiously, she tore it open. She wanted to keep the envelope. Never once had she ever loved her name more than when she saw it written in Patrick's perfect handwriting. Inside were two pages, filled with the same perfect handwriting that could only be described as 'Jane'. She unfolded the two sheets and began to read. She noticed the date was three years ago, long before they slept together, and right before he ran off to Vegas.

_My Dearest Teresa,_

_By the time you get this letter, I will be long gone. I haven't decided when I will leave yet, but I know I can't stay. This letter will probably come as a surprise to you. It shouldn't, though. Teresa, I have loved you for a very long time now, and I was just too coward to say it. I'm still too scared to admit it out loud, so I'm writing you this letter. You deserve to know. _

_What you must know, is that we can never be together. I love you too much for that. You deserve someone so much better. Someone that can love you to the fullest. Someone that isn't haunted by a serial killer who murdered their family. Someone whole. Someone unbroken. Someone caring. Someone who would put you as their first priority. Someone unlike me. _

_I don't deserve you, but boy do I wish I did. All I want is to start a family with you. To cuddle with you. To raise a child with you. To grow old with you. To call you Mrs. Teresa Jane. But I know I will never have the honor of calling you my wife or having these things. That will only get harder to cope with every day. _

_I know what you are thinking. Jane is being repetitive. It's to get the point across, Darling. How I wish I could call you that. Darling, Sweetheart, Love, or even just Teresa. Your name dances on my tongue, but I don't deserve to call you that, so Lisbon will have to do. _

_To wrap this up, I want to apologize. For every stupid stunt I ever pulled. The stupidest stunt by far was leaving you. I also want to say sorry for making you fall for me. I could have kept it from happening, but I was too selfish. I just want to say I'm sorry. Please use it for everything you are mad at me for. I only ask one more thing from you, and that's forgiveness._

_I love to Teresa. Don't ever forget that. I know you think the things I told you about you saving me, and me truly loving you were crap, but they weren't. I really do love you and you really saved me. _

_Forever Yours,_

_Patrick_

She saw a single teardrop roll down onto the letter. She knew she had to find him now and give him everything he clearly wanted, she just had no idea where to start.


	2. Chapter 2

Jane put a lily in the middle of a small coffee table on the back porch of his new beach house in Miami. He had moved there after he ran away from Lisbon a little over a year ago. From past experiences, he knew it was a place where a con man could really thrive. He and his father had taken more than a few trips down there when he was a kid.

He looked down at his watch and saw the the hour hand had ticked to the twelve. He was expecting a client any minute now. Her mother had died and she wanted to forgive her. Every person that came through had some sob story, and Jane was always ready to provide false hope. Lisbon had always said that hope was worth it at any cost, but he didn't believe that anymore. He was just stealing from people. Lying to them, convincing them he was speaking to the dead, then overcharging them. Lisbon was a saint, and in a way, he hoped she never found him. She wouldn't be happy with what she saw, and he never wanted to disappoint her.

But the bigger part of him woke up every single day wishing she would be at his door. She was the only reason he was alive. All these years, she was his sole purpose for living. Living without your purpose next to you is a hard thing to do.

In reality, though, the chances of her finding him were very, very slim. He had removed his name from all public records years ago, so it seemed as if Patrick Jane never existed. He had left no leads to her as to where he was going, and to her, Miami was seemingly random. She wouldn't know it was America's Con Man capital, or that Jane had spent a lot of time there as a child. She was searching for the needle in a haystack and more often than not, the needle remained hidden.

If there was one thing that Jane couldn't live without, it was closure. Not for Red John, but for Lisbon. He needed to know that she believed him when he said he loved her. He had meant everything he ever told her about how much she meant to him, how much he loved her, and how he truly didn't deserve her. Since Jane wasn't around to know if she believed him, he had convinced himself she did. He couldn't continue living if she didn't.

Though it had only been a week since he left, he was exhausted from depression without her. It got worse everyday and yesterday he was searching for plane tickets back to Sacramento. He had quickly closed the search, telling himself he needed to be stronger. He couldn't run back after a week. He regretted the decision he had made about leaving her, but what was done was over. He couldn't go back - In time or to her. He would never forgive himself for what he did to her, and he was pretty sure she would never forgive him either.

He still thought about the night they shared together. He remembered the way his palms felt on the back of her slender thighs, and the way her skin tasted. His hands can still feel the warmth of her body from when he placed them in the curve of her waist. His nose still remembers her smell and he can feel is hands trying to untangle themselves from her hair. Everything about that night was perfect. The way it began, the way it carried on, and how it ended. Nothing would ever equal in comparison to that memory, unless it happened again. But that was all it was. A memory. In the past. It was over and he knew that, but he still hadn't accepted the fact. He didn't know if he would ever be able to accept it.

He heard his doorbell ring, pulling him out of his thoughts about Lisbon. He quickly finished preparing the table for his client, and started making his way through the large house to the front door. He straightened the long tie he had on, put on his fake, ugly persona and opened the door. Standing on the other side, looking at him, was none other than Teresa Lisbon.


	3. Chapter 3

LISBON'S POINT OF VIEW  
There he was. I never thought I would find him again, and he was standing right in front of me. I could feel a surge of electricity course through my veins when he looked me in the eyes. The way he looked at me was the way every girl wants to be looked at, and I never wanted him to look away ever again. After over a year of trying to find him, I think I deserve some of his attention, though.

He motions for me to come inside, and I step in behind him. Like he always did before, he gently guides me to his couch with his hand on the small of my back. I can flee the warmth of his hand radiating through my jacket. He has a very large house from what I could tell outside. As I take in my surroundings, I notice a wall of pictures. Mentally, I note to do some exploring later and find out exactly how he decorated this place. Knowing Patrick Jane, though, I figure it must be extravagant.

I always knew Jane had some money tucked away somewhere, but he never seemed to use it. Not knowing anything about him, you would figure he was a person of average to low income. He was only purchasing the necessities. He had three or four suits that he rotated between, an extended stay motel room, one pair of shoes, and that was about it. He had a few other belongings here and there, but he didn't indulge himself in actually having a real life.

But now, standing in this place, my suspicions were confirmed. I could easily tell he had gone to all the stops to get this house. It was right on the beach, had a beautiful exterior, and a very modern interior. It was a house that any sane person would envy, and I wasn't excluded from that list. It was a gorgeous house that, I'd I had the money and opportunity, I would probably buy for myself.

My eyes were wandering all around the ornate, large den, and I could feel his eyes burning into me. Quickly, I flicked my eyes back to him, and opened my mouth to speak,

"This is a really nice home, Jane," I hear myself say, and then internally kick myself. I haven't seen this man in a year, and that is all I can manage?

"Thank you, Teresa. I moved here about two months after I left. Honestly, I never thought you would find me here." He admitted. Is he forgetting that I am a homicide detective? I'm smarter than he thinks. Maybe I'm not smarter than him, but I'm not an idiot.

"I made it a priority. And don't start to worry. I'm not going to stay. I just really want a few things cleared up," I explain to him. I really do hope he asks me to stay, though. I have missed him so much, I just want to spend even a few days with him. I didn't think that was too much to ask for.

"Worry? Meh. I'm not worried. Stay as long as you like. I would actually like it if you stayed. At least for a little while," he told me.

"Well, I don't have any of my belongings, and I have a job," I started to protest, knowing he would come up with perfectly good excuses for both reasons to why I couldn't stay, and the I would just give in.

"Nonsense. I have your belongings taken care of," he winked at me. "As for work, you haven't taken a vacation in years. I'm sure you probably have a good six months of paid vacation saved up, and everybody that works at CBI knows you deserve a little time off. If you like, I could call them and arrange a little vacation for you," he offered. I shook my head.

"No. I can do it. You are right. I will stay, but I'm not promising any longer than a week," I told him. His face lit up with one of his signature smiles, and it was contagious. I couldn't help but smile back. Then a thought arose in my mind.

"What did you mean when you said you had my belongings 'taken care of'?" I asked him, completely perplexed.

"As much as I didn't think you would find me, I hoped you did. I set you up a bedroom here. I have a closet full of clothes, all in your size, and I think to your liking. I also have some shampoo, soap, makeup, shoes, toothpaste - all the necessary things you would need to seat, or live, here," he explained. I really missed the way Jane explained things. It was like everything he was saying should have been so obvious to everybody, yet he was the only person who knew.

I knew my mouth was hanging wide open, but I couldn't bring myself to close it. This man, that thought he would never see me again, made it as though I was just out running some errands and would be back. I had a completely separate home in a whole other state.

"Darling, you can close your mouth," he teased. I quickly snapped my jaw shut, causing him to chuckle. The term of endearment didn't go unnoticed, though. My head was spinning at the thought of Jane calling me Darling. What was he thinking? Suddenly, the anger and betrayal of him just leaving me washed over the sheer joy I had to see him again.

"I didn't come here just to see you, Jane. I came here because I need answers. Why did you leave? I thought we actually had something. And I swear to God if you say Red John, I will walk out that door. He is dead." I heard myself say, angrily. I almost regretted being so harsh, but then I remembered once again that he did leave me, high and dry.

"Teresa, calm down. Ok? If you want the truth, I will tell you. I was scared. I haven't committed myself to anyone since Angela, and I desperately wanted to commit to you, but I was terrified of what might happen. I was sure I would screw up. Not only that, I knew I wasn't good enough for you. I love you so very much, and I don't want you to end up settling for anybody, and I would be about five steps down from your ideal man. You deserve so much more than me, but you wouldn't get it if I were still around. I just want you to be happy, more than anything in this world," he told me. I wanted to cry from happiness at his revelations, but I didn't let myself show any difference in emotion.

"You were what made me happy, you idiot! If I wanted something more I never would have slept with you! It was my decision to pursue something with you because I didn't want anyone else. I wanted you! Then you ran off, and I thought you must not give a damn about me or my feelings, so I gave up on you for a little while. It didn't work though, because for some damn reason I loved you. After you left me time and time again, I still loved you, damn it! Why did you have to be so damn stupid?" I was screaming at this point. All my emotions burst open like water in a dam and I just started crying. He came over and pulled me into a warm, tight embrace, and as much as I wanted to pull him away. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hadn't been one hundred percent truthful with him yet, so I was going to tell him everything.

"I thought I was pregnant," I said in a small voice. His head whipped up fast and his eyes stared directly into mine. Nobody said anything for a long moment. I could tell he was wondering exactly what happened to me and the potential baby.

"It was about two months after you left. I got nauseated and realized I hadn't had my period since we had sex. I took a test, and it came out positive," when I said that, I could hear the breath hitch in his throat. He started rubbing the back of my hand and apologizing for leaving me stranded and pregnant. I interrupted his apologies.

"When I went to the doctor, he started to run some tests. He said I wasn't pregnant and never was. When I told him the test I took came back positive, he said my body had become so stressed, I didn't get my period and became nauseous, and sometime tests come back as a false positive. For those two weeks when I actually thought I was pregnant, I realized how much I did actually love you, and I started looking for you. Even after I found out I wasn't pregnant, I was determined to find you. At first I was really relieved that I wasn't pregnant, because it would have been a nightmare without you. But then I got sad, and realized I loved something I didn't even have, or have to opportunity to have anymore. I realized I wanted to have a baby with you, which made me look for you even harder. In case you were really wondering why I never gave up, that's why. I know I didn't lose a baby, but it really felt like I did," I explained the long story to him. He listened so attentively to everything I was saying, I could tell he really cared about what I was telling him.

"I'm not saying we need to jump into a relationship, or have kids, or get married, but I needed to be with you. I went through something terrible, and you were the only person that would make me feel better. I'm still mad about what you did to me, but I couldn't just forget about you," I told him. Everything I said was true, and I did believe everything he told me, I just needed some time with him to forgive him and move past it. I knew this was where I needed to be for a little while, though. We both needed to be around the other person.

"I am so sorry. I never would have left it I had any idea. I would have wanted the baby too. I still want to have children with you, we just need time. We need to learn to love again, properly this time. Stay with me. We can start a relationship, with no distractions, and do it right this time." He was begging for me to stay. I wanted to stay, too. I nodded at him.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I said. He leaned over to me and pressed a kiss onto my forehead.

"Then let's do it. Go familiarize yourself with the city. I have some things I need to do here," he said, with a wink, and sent her off on her way.


End file.
